Not So Cool Charlie

Six iced coffees and a cold shower is the only thing keeping me alive right now. I had way too much to drink last night (tomato juice and tequila, WTF?! its all my lame ass had in the fridge…)in a ditch end effort to make myself feel better. I made the mistake of allowing a few moments of self pity to slip in last night and ended up drinking like it was going to solve a problem. Silly rabbit…I ended up listening to placebo all night. yikes.

I got to missing Beth really bad around 2 in the morning. I try not to think about her. I ended up having a really familiar dream last night. The one where I joined the military like I was ‘supposed to’. I honestly wonder if my family and I were ever even meant to recover from that disappointment. I don’t understand why people lay out plans for us without consult and then are let down when the numbers aren’t painted the way they should have been.

Yuki’s eyes are turning yellow. We thought they would stay blue but it looks like we were wrong. He really is my little prince. He is such a sponge for attention, I love it. I can tell he is going to be enormous; his paws are so much bigger in comparison to the rest of him. I love that he curls around my feet when I’m working and watches TV with me in the afternoons. I talk to him a lot when I’m making coffee in the mornings. I have so missed the loyalty and companionship of animals. I will not live without them again.

Daniel went to whole foods for me because the heat is making me so sick and pathetic. He brought me soup and jamba juice. We are having sex again which is good; it alleviates some of my nymphomania related stress. Things always feel ten times worse when I’m not getting laid properly.
Apparently I am into taking photos of my feet lately.

My mother keeps sending me snide and rude text messages inferring that I am having a great time in my life now that I never see her. I don’t think she is ever going to realize how much I miss her or how much it hurts me when she says cruel things. She used to be my best friend. Its demolishing to think that I would still have my friend if I would have done what SHE wanted with my life and made decisions SHE wanted me to. How is that fair? At the end of the day it doesn’t matter what she says or thinks about me though, I will always love her and crave her approval in a sense. For all the things she has to be proud of, she insists on being disappointed (we are very much alike, can you tell?). I cannot take responsibility for that.

And SERIOUSLY?! what is this stupid fucking obsession people have with finding people who are pale as the mother fucking moon attractive?! just because you dont tan you BURN, doesnt mean you are the epitome of beauty. is it any wonder i have a fucking complex about having pigment?! how many other fucking assholes out there feel less then because they arent pasty fucking white?! i fucking hate this country and its fucked up views on beauty, where the MAJORITY find you repulsive and less than, because you arent lily pale.

i sincerely hope with all my heart that the next person to leave me a racist myspace comment, has thier penis/vagina dipped in boiling oil.